(Warning: some pictures are not for the faint hearted)

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Him: Bili tayo ng mga damit na hindi blue at pink para pag meron ulit tayong baby magagamit nung kasunod. (Let’s not purchase things that has Pink and blue motifs so that our next baby will be able to use it again. Neutral colors fit for all genders)

Me: Smiles and nodded at him.

Him: Ayoko ng duyan, dapat crib agad, yung matibay at magtatagal. (I don’t want us to buy a baby cradle, I want a sturdy and long lasting crib).

It was the morning of May 16, 2018 (56 days delayed menstruation) when I had this conversation with my husband. A week after I had the pregnancy dream, I took the home pregnancy test twice on May 13, 2018 that showed positive results. I was ecstatic. I showed the result to my husband, my parents, siblings and closest friends. Ever since getting the positive result, I made sure that I am eating well, taking vitamins and slowing down (since I always walk fast and unladylike). I went to St. Luke’s Hospital, Global City for my checkup with the OB-Gyne. I commuted on the way there because I have to meet my mother who will also have a check up on that day with the same OB-Gynecologist, Dra. Marietta Santos-Sapaula. Unfortunately, Dra. Sapaula had a flu so she couldn’t have her clinic that day.

May 13, 2018 home pregnancy test result

Prior to May 13, 2018, I was always sleepy, fatigued, craving for Sauerkraut, Pizza and meat then I had flu for 2 days. My immune system was definitely low that I caught it right away after being exposed to some of my colleagues who were not feeling well a week before that. I nursed myself for 2 days (May 11 and 12), I went to work on a Friday with flu and was given a rest day offset on a Saturday (May 12) to run some errands for a land dispute since my assigned days off are on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I took Decolgen Forte for my colds, Bioflu for the flu and Robitussin for the coughs. I even had a body massage at the SPA that I always go to when I need some relaxation. It was a bad move.

After taking the home pregnancy tests, I encountered mild cramps from May 13 to 15. Since I was workaholic, I waited for the 16th to be able to see the doctor plus it was also my day off. On my way to the hospital and while I was on a BGC bus, I felt dizzy and the cramps ebbed, it was a series of sharp pains then it dissipates then after few minutes, comes back more painful than before. I nearly passed out from the pain as I walked from the bus stop and crossed streets going to the hospital. My mother was already at the hospital waiting for her Intellicare LOA from her health provider while I myself waited for my Maxicare LOA.

While in Maxicare primary care office, I was feeling cold and about to lose consciousness, I was sweating at the same time. My friend April,who works for Maxicare saw me and provided LOA for me right away while I called my mother’s mobile phone to come get me quickly. My mother arrived right away and helped me up. I told her what happened and I asked to be excused as the painful cramps made me feel nauseous and as if I will defecate from the severe pain. I rushed to the nearest toilet but instead of feces, my vagina expelled chunks of meaty and gelatinous bloody clots (that looked like raw chicken liver) and my panties were soaked with it as well. I was brokenhearted. I bawled my eyes out while searching for a menstrual pad in my bag.

Blood and meaty discharge from miscarriage.

I walked out of the toilet after cleaning myself and was still crying as I approached my mother telling her that I was bleeding. I then went back to another OB-Gyne for check up but my mom decided that we better wait for Dr. Sapaula on May 18. Mom and I went to Market! Market! to eat lunch before going home. I was in pain as we wait for our lunch and after eating, I held on to my mother because I felt so dizzy. Upon getting home, we were able to meet up with my husband and she told him what happened. I also reached out for a Buscopan Venus (medicine for heavy cramps and dysmenorrhea). My mom left and my husband went to work and I was all alone crying in the bedroom.

My sister-in-law, Marie, a registered nurse, sent me a message on Facebook messenger urging me to go back to the hospital because I mentioned to her that I have fever and she was so worried. Following her advice instead of waiting for the 18th, I went back to St. Luke’s on the 17th, in pain and still have the sharp cramps, met with another Ob-Gyne Dr. Nerissa De Jesus who requested for a Pelvic and Transvaginal Ultrasound, CBC, Serum total Beta HCG.

TransVaginal Ultrasound result

May 18, 2018, I went back to St. Luke’s with my mother, brother Karlo, sister-in-law Nikki for a checkup in Dr. Sapaula’s clinic

L-R: My mother, me (Can’t stand properly because of the cramps and heavy bleeding) and my sister-in-law, Nikki.

The truth was confirmed by Dra. Sapaula herself based on the Serum Total Beta HCG, the ultrasound report, urine and blood tests that I WAS indeed pregnant (almost 12 weeks) and had a miscarriage. She then checked my cervix and confirmed that it is still open due to the pregnancy. She gave me 2 medications, an antibiotic and the other is for my body to expel the remains of the miscarriage inside me. I will have another TransVaginal Ultrasound to see if the medication helped in releasing the remains inside me and to.also check if I need to still undergo D&C to clean my uterus.

A lot of things ran in my mind, I blamed myself for having a weak immune system, I blamed myself for having flu and for believing that my menstruation might be delayed due to stress and all, not thinking that the fertility program was successful after numerous unsuccessful attempts in getting pregnant. I know better now. At the first week of missed period and you know you are sexually active with your Significant Other, DO NOT DELAY! Chances are your passive attitude might kill you and your baby. I missed my chance this time in becoming a mother but I realized that my body IS capable in creating life.

When you think about a pregnancy and you think about the beginnings of a human being forming and all the things that have to go perfectly, it really and truly is a miracle when it happens. You have two sets of genetic material coming together that have to divide, and sometimes things go wrong. The simplest way to think about it is that miscarriage is sort of nature’s way of making sure that a human being is compatible with life.

Sleep for now my dearest child. This song is for you. – love, Mama Diana.

Video from the Youtube Channel of Sleeping At Last – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvUYLLON82Gx6MW62xTLVLQ

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