People who knew me well knew my polarities. Most of the time, they see me laughing, smiling and cheerful. There are times that they see me angry or sad but the emotion goes quickly as it comes. Once I vent out, I feel better right away.

Lately, I feel so tired. I feel so sad, I feel so lonely. Yes, I do have my family and friends, I am happy when I am with them. I graduated two degrees and have my Master’s, I have a great job with awesome perks, I can do or buy anything I want to. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED BUT I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO JUST GO SOMEWHERE ALONE.

Maybe there’s something amiss at the moment? Is it due to the fact that I am sick and all I wanted to do is rest? I felt deep inside that time is running out. I have been spending time with everyone, keeping myself busy, going places, doing my job but have I really stopped and sincerely spend a quiet time with myself.

I think I have to recalibrate. It’ll be my rest day on Wednesday and Thursday. I will do my best that instead of doing the household chores like I always do, I will stop, contemplate, review my life and my goals and find a way to try and dig myself out of this depressive state. Maybe force myself to cry just to feel better.

I am tired of smiling, being cheerful all the time because it’s harder to explain to those around you something that they will never experience or understand.

I need to be true to myself and remove my “happy always” mask. Allow and honestly acknowledge my emotions instead of suppressing them, maybe that way I won’t feel exhausted. I don’t know…maybe.

Author's Life Musings, thoughts and dreams The Author's musings (Dreams) acceptance alone anger depression disappointment exhausted exhaustion happy loneliness mask pretend sadness tired