I Am A Coward

Posted July 5, 2020 2 Comments by Dee Almeda

June 3, 2020 at 10:02 AM your doctor called me to inform you that you are gone. The pain and this grieving is unbearable. While I am care giving, managing your pain, you have limited time left.

His name was Sir Sliene Mimer.

He’s beautiful, his spirit IS beautiful, he was 7 and this was the one battle we cannot fight. He and I have fought many battles, he’s a brave guy. I also questioned how he can be himself one minute and spiraling downhill so fast the next?

I am mourning his loss because he was like a child to me. I had a mental breakdown. I kept feeling guilty and thinking that maybe if I did this or that he’d still be with me. It’s so surreal that you’re gone.

*A stray kitten who crossed the street towards our home, you never left my side even when you were a tiny kitten.*

You were a stray kitten, so malnourished when you came into our lives. We even named you Tessa Testarossa because we thought you were a girl only to find out you are a baby boy. Every day whenever I come home from work, you would always climb up from my pants up until my shoulder to hug and groom me, rubbing your face on my face and nipping at my ear and nose with your gentle love bites.

In the mornings you would greet me first before the others with head bonks and glad meows. Thank you so much for being a part of my healing.

You came into our life 2013, you’ve been with me when I was diagnosed with Pituitary/Brain tumor in 2014, Endometriosis, two Miscarriages, APAS and Lupus. You always know when I am sad and you made me laugh whenever you observe me in the toilet only for you to copy me and pee or poop on the toilet bowl.

*Me when I use the toilet while you watch me/You surprising me that you started peeing and pooping in the toilet bowl*

Sorry if I became a coward on your last moment, your doctor already told me that the treatments no longer work, offered me to put you to sleep but decided not to because I want you to be with us and your kittens when you took your last breath only to send you back to the vet because I was in denial. I don’t have the courage to face how you look like deteriorating and dying because I only want to remember your happy face. It hurts so much but I know it’s much painful for you because you died away from us and alone with your vet.

I was so selfish so I hope you can forgive me. Thank you is not enough for the joy you brought into our lives, Mimer.