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May 16, 2018 was the date when I miscarried. After 2 months, I found out I got pregnant the second time but miscarried again. It was a devastating incident as my husband and I tried so hard to have a baby after years of marriage, building financial and career stability only to bid goodbye to the babies we’ve wanted so much.

For years, I’ve been hounded by countless health issues but this situation brought to light the most important aspect of acceptance and healing.

It seems to me that the universe or fate gave me my children to save me.

During my grieving process, I cannot eat, sleep and take care of myself. Series of sudden bawling of my eyes as I try to work and do something to keep my mind off what happened continued to the next few weeks, I even urged my husband to make another baby because my heart really wanted a child of my own. So we did. Again, it ended in failure.

Depression took over me to the point that I shut myself, went on autopilot, empty smiles, lifeless eyes, – suicidal thoughts ensued. I was spiraling down. I spoke with my mother and she comforted me, it was my last option. When I saw my mother cry after recounting the trials she’s been through in her life, I felt so ashamed. Her experiences in life, her loss, her resilience gave me strength.

The next day, after our talk, I decided to put into practice what I’ve trained for in Neuro- Linguistic Programming. I decided to change my map of experiences. To turn myself around no matter how painful and hard.

I decided, I have to fight this. I don’t want to cause pain to those who love me. I pieced together myself, I went to the hospital for psychiatric help, it’s a taboo in my country but I don’t care anymore because I know I needed help.

The psychiatrist gave me some steps on how to battle the shadowy shroud of depression on me. She did gave me prescription medications but I didn’t drink any of them because I don’t want to numb the pain using it. I decided to allow myself to feel the pain to start healing.

I visited my doctors and realized that my babies are the precursor to me finding out that I am a ticking time bomb. That Systemic Lupus is eating away my joints and bone marrow which is why my body cannot fully support the blood supply for my babies. In short, it was my children who saved me.

It hurts.

But I made peace with the fact that the next time I will get pregnant will be my death. The doctors told me that I can no longer have children because of it. If I will be pregnant, I have to inject Innohep 3500 twice a day (which costs almost 500 pesos for 280 days) every single day in my belly to support the life I will carry but it’s not a guarantee that my baby and I will be safe from any complications. My husband and I jointly decided that we will no longer have children and are currently looking into adopting children.

To start my healing, I was advised to create a representation for my children. A friend suggested having dolls (Since I collect dolls) so I got myself Reborn dolls. Some consumers of reborn dolls use them to cope with their grief over a lost child (a memory reborn), or as a portrait doll of a grown child. Others collect reborns as they would regular dolls. These dolls are sometimes played with as if they are an infant. It took 7 weeks for them to arrive from abroad.

When they finally arrived, I felt so emotional and played with them. It helped me with my recovery and healing. Now these dolls are in my Collection display cabinet. My main goal now is to open my heart to orphans who needed parents and love I can give.

UNEDITED

Author's Diary Author's Life Dolls Dolls and Collections Musings, thoughts and dreams baby chronic illness depression doll doll collection Dolls family grateful grief Lupus miscarriage multiple miscarriages phoenix reborn rebornbaby reborndoll regret rise up savior Suicide thankful