So, today is my 40th year on Earth. As I sit here pondering during my night shift work, I am reviewing my life and the journey I took navigating the physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional existence of being me.

When I was a child, I was in such a hurry to grow up. That is because I thought life was easy when you grew up. That you can be whatever you wanted to be in a snap of a finger. That I can be free and be happier. Well, that was in the past, and now that I am an adult, there were times that I’d always wish I could go back to being a child once more where I was safe and taken cared of . I enjoyed my childhood despite being constantly bullied at school in Mindanao because I don’t know how to speak the Visayan dialect, and since I was from Manila that time. Those moments taught me to be very alert at a very young age to protect myself.

As I grew and entered my pre-teens, I started planning for my future. I have role models that I look up to and I used them as my inspiration to excel. Experiencing being bullied and being an outcast in my elementary school, I learned to become a chameleon. I joined local city and school organizations and activities that allowed me come out of my shell and be more active and extroverted. I gained friends and learned how to adjust in situations so that I won’t be bullied anymore. Because of that, I learned to please people and do the things I don’t really want to just for me to be accepted and to fit in. It was my survival mechanism back then.

Then, when I was a young adult, I learned that one must stand alone, that most friendships come and go, so do not get attached too much. At that time, I realized and learned about the truth in life. That what I thought about life is not that easy and that you have to navigate it in a way that you either learn your leasons or be eaten alive and lose your identity. The experiences I had from childhood created an intricate web that made me who I am now. Until I learned that we have to be very careful and learn how to read people and situations. To realized your goals and other people’s motives and we also find out why fate gave us the experiences we encounter because there will come a time that those experiences will matter in major decisions in life and on our survival.

I wonder how long my life will be after this. I am currently in my middle age (if I will look at life expectancy of 70 to 80 years old). I am no longer in the prime of my youth, and yes the things and parts that sag will sag. My head is filled with stripes of silver but I no longer worry about hair colors as I start to accept the fact that I am growing older. Wrinkles will come out, the skin starts drooping more as the years progress and hot flashes…oh yes they are true! As you approach mid 30s and above, your body starts to feel the pain and the abuse you did to your body in form of vices, unhealthy lifestyle and lack of movement will haunt you full force then you become more mindful of your health because regrets starts knocking and you start evaluating where you are right now.

For the spiritual part, you started pondering on your life, what your role is in this planet, why you were placed in the lives of the people around you. On why the universe or God sends you the people who made positive and negative impacts in your life. On why you were placed in an environment or situation only to find out that there was a reason and sometimes, those surprising reasons are for the best.

Psychologically, I started recognizing my weaknesses and catching myself before I do certain actions that might hurt others. I learned to be at peace knowing that I can not please everyone and that it’s alright to remove people in life. I also realize the need to remove people who are toxic to my mental and physical health and I also learned to remove myself from other people’s lives when I am becoming toxic toward them for everyone’s peace and mental health.

As I review my life today, will I still go on pleasing other people? Will I go on and continue to bite my tongue and not say what is in my heart and mind for the sake of peace and to stop people from leaving me? Will I still put off the travel plans I have been planning in the past 2 decades because I keep worrying about people who don’t even worry or think about me? Will I go on and continue staying comfortably in a safe, monotonous place in my life and career? Will I continue getting depressed about my chronic illness and my body? My answer is No.

40 is the time for me not to care about the people who don’t even care about me. It is time for me to push through what I want to accomplish in my life. It is the time for me to regain being a doormat into someone who bravely speaks her mind and not take shit. It is time for me to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made in life and to love myself more than loving the people around me. This is the time for me to forgive my body for not being able to carry babies full term and that it is not my fault that I have APAS and Lupus. This is the start of making sure that I selfishly put myself first instead of the people who only remember me when they need something from me and doesn’t even check up on me when I am the one in pain and in the dark. This is the moment where I will no longer tolerate whatever disrespect I receive from others. This is the time for me to take care of myself and my health more.

And like a curious adventurer, I will explore life, its mysteries, its beauty and darkness. But for today….as a treat for myself, I will have a nice 2 hour massage, a foot reflex, manicure, pedicure, facial and hair spa. Lol. Have a good day wherever you are, reader. Huge hugs!

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